Updated: Jan 8, 2021
Everyone wants to have quality relationships they can feel super secure and satisfied in, but what does it entail to truly build those deeply connective bonds?
Well there are a few key points that are fundamental in ensuring an honest and wholesome duo-ship! If we can all follow these main tips, it goes very far in profoundly connecting two people and creating a long lasting bond.
The other day my grandma told me, "When you and him are fighting, you both need to remember it's you two vs. the problem, not you vs. him." -aj
This is something I discuss with many as having healthy relationships has become harder and harder in this day and age. With peaking insecurity and pressures of today's world, I feel that it helps to focus on a few key factors when trying to maintain a positive dynamic within your romantic relationship.
First, I will go into the most common one we can all agree we need; raw, honest communication. This is basically the fundamental basis of all relationships and is crucially important for maintaining healthy romantic ones. I specify "raw" and "honest" because sometimes part of this essential communication we all speak of, is telling your partner things that aren't always easy to say, or easy for them to hear. Things that may unintentionally hurt them. We can tend to be in the habit of sheltering our loved ones from our deepest true feelings, especially if we know it will hurt them.
To be honest, I don't believe in sheltering anyone from anything! I am a firm believer in sharing all that is on your mind, positive and negative, that fundamentally involves you and your partner and any dynamics that exist between the two of you. This is truly how you remain your most honest self, and also remain an honest partner to someone. The hardest conversations are the ones that bring you closest together in the long run, and it is how true indestructible trust and security is built.
Your partner has a right to know what's truly on your mind and in your soul. They have a right to know the person they are choosing to be committed to even if they will come to see things they don't like. We are forever changing and growing, and you owe yourself and your partner to vocalize where you are at as you are evolving on your journey. Ultimately, your partner should be your best friend, someone you are completely comfortable with, and comfortable being fully transparent with. Establishing a true kinship bond is essential and requires both parties to always be forthcoming no matter how hard it is to be.
You must always try your best to listen to your person's side of things, whether you agree or not. To have the maturity to set aside your own ego and emotion, and allow for true understanding of who they are and what's in their heart. I find it really helps to always view your person as an individual with their own journey to live, independent of their relationship with you.
The ability to do that is what I consider true "selfless" love. Understanding that you cannot control any other human or any outcome in life. That to have a healthy relationship you must come to understand what it is to love selflessly. To let go of any possessive, controlling or restrictive ways you may have convinced yourself is "natural" when you love someone. To remove the stigma that relationships have to follow a certain set of rules that include self-limiting beliefs and restrictions to your partner's freedom of movement, opportunity and choices.
Selfless love is not an easy thing for most to understand or practice. It requires you to always look at your person as the individual soul they are, no matter what title you both have given each other. We are all independent beings with a journey of our own to live and see out regardless of any union we share with another. We have individual needs and dreams and goals. Ones that come wrapped up in the most beautiful opportunities presented to us throughout our lives. One's we all deserve to have the freedom to take if they would truly make us happy. There is a path we are meant to follow along and we are each a unique solo person before we are ever a spouse to someone else. I believe this is to always be respected. Nobody has a right to stand in another's way when it comes to their personal experiences in life.
I find it helps tremendously to vow to yourself that you will always respect your individuality and your partner's, and the decisions you both may choose to make in attempting to achieve your own true happiness. Even if it means that those choices may take you away from each other for a while! Not easy for most to grasp this notion, but I personally never go into a relationship with a set of pre-conceived rules or any expectations of its longevity, no matter how strong the love. Relationships are so individual one to the next, depending on the people involved. I always choose to view every person that comes into my life and that I care for deeply as a blessing, and true benefit to my evolution as a soul in this life.
I choose to focus on the amazing moments and strengthening challenges lived with and alongside that person, all of what they bring and add to my life, and the growth I acquire because of it. You don't meet people or fall in love with them for no reason. They all serve a fundamental purpose to you and you to them, which is why they came along in the first place and you connected to them and loved them. How long someone stays with you is not what's important, and is never in your control anyway. When relationships end, it is because you have both taken each other as far as you can go and have gotten all there is to get from each other, and it is time to move on. It is all about soul growth in the end. It is important to remember that.
I feel it is time to break away from the way we've been programmed to live our romantic relationships. To finally rid the ridiculous notions of "happy wife, happy life" and the like. To stop conducting our relationships in a way that supresses our emotions and deepest desires, and where there is just far too much expectation put on each other. It's time to change this acceptance of just "keeping the peace" and avoiding conflict at all cost. I feel most men have this idea of women and how to keep them happy, which honestly guys, couldn't be more far off most of the time! And women don't understand men much at all either. Assuming they are like trainable animals that must be dictated to constantly until you nag them into submission!
There are just too many bullshit notions that dictate the way we have always viewed relationships and the way we behave in them. All of which don't lead to healthy partnerships! Divorce is not through the roof for no reason. It all boils down to people just not learning deeply who their partners truly are and actually allowing for their individual growth within the union. Without trust, honesty and freedom with full support, you are missing the essence of what it truly takes to be soul bonded with your person.
Now, with all the above in tact, you must also have the remaining part of a healthy union... great sex. I have to include this in here because as we all know, attraction and sex is such a major part of all romantic relationships. It is what ultimately differentiates a great platonic relationship from an epic romance. Without attraction and quality intimacy, you just have a rock solid friendship with someone. So, this is an important one! We all need great connective sex with our partners. You can check out my other blog post on how to have great sex, for more on this!
Basically, it is important to always maintain a healthy sex life. And no this doesn't mean forcefully making time a few times a week because in your mind that makes you feel like your sex life is "healthy". True soul connective sex is what I'm talking about, not how often you are doing it! Whatever you can manage to have time for and make work for your lifestyle and schedule is good, but you must always have sex when you truly want your partner and crave that connection. There is not much more in this world that connects two people as intimately, and it is crucial to make sure you are especially communicating openly about this aspect of your relationship with each other. Powerful energy is exchanged during sex, especially when you care deeply for someone. Not something to take for granted between you.
Ensuring that both are truly satisfied in this area, is a must for a healthy relationship! I know far too many couples that don't feel comfortable discussing or voicing any lacks that may exist when it comes to their sex life. Both of you always need to be truly satisfied and connected with your sexual experiences, or many other aspects of the relationship will get negatively affected as well. No matter how uncomfortable you think it may be to talk about, the minute you do you will feel so incredibly connected to your person and realize it was the best thing you could have ever done for your relationship! You and your partner are both sexual beings and it must be of top priority to make sure you are both on the same page about that.
Of course there are many more elements to having a healthy relationship such as reliability, compatibilities and so on… but those things are established alongside mastering the above! So for all you lovebirds out there, take a moment and look at your partner today in a new way. Stare into their eyes and see them for the people they are deep inside; the person they are and always were before you ever came into their lives.
Feel love and gratitude that they are in your life now and a part of your journey for as long as they will be. Always try and remember that we are all individuals before we are couples. We are all just trying to make our way in this hectic world and all have our own set of goals, hobbies, and dreams that inspire us. So, hold your person tight and appreciate every imperfect thing about them, because true honest selfless love is one of the most powerfully life-changing things we can experience!